By Chris Cosci

If you really want to sell a product, you need to have a catchy name. The name should be something that immediately grabs consumers' attention and makes your product stand out. For example, I recently saw a commercial for a classical music album. I am normally uninterested in albums being sold on television, but I was captivated by the title: "The Most Relaxing Classical Album in the World... Ever!"

Sure, the title reeks of desperation, but there's something dynamic about it. It's not just the most relaxing classical album; it's the most relaxing classical album in the whole world. And it's not just the most relaxing one of this year - no, sir; it's the most relaxing classical album ever. In the history of music as we know it, there has never been a more relaxing classical album on all of Earth. And in case you still don't comprehend the magnitude of this album, they end the title with an exclamation point. That must make it true!

Of course, they don't want you to buy the album in a store or online. Why should you pay less? So the announcer makes sure you understand how important this album is. It's not just relaxing, it's monumental. How could you not want this album right now? You must be someone who thrives on anxiety. You're a slave to tension. You're a disgrace to everything relaxing in the world - unless you pay full price for this album right now.

What also helps sell the album is the visual accompaniment. As the music is playing, the screen is filled with calming scenes of nature, like water dripping over a row of flowers or birds soaring in the breeze. The album would be a lot harder to sell if the music was accompanied by images of cheetahs chasing down a pack of gazelles and ripping them to shreds with their teeth.

So now you have peaceful nature scenes on your television, a soothing cup of tea in your hand, and "The Most Relaxing Classical Music Album in the World... Ever!" playing in your CD player. You couldn't possibly be more relaxed. Or could you?

What if you had "The Most Relaxing Classical Music Album in the World... Ever!, Vol. 2"? Even though the most relaxing classical music album in the world already existed, it obviously wasn't enough. Perhaps people were getting tense from hearing the same music over and over again.

Note that the new album is called "Vol. 2.," not "The Second Most Relaxing Classical Music Album in the World... Ever!" So does that mean they're both equally relaxing? What if you took the most relaxing songs from each album and put them on one album? Wouldn't that compilation be the ultimate relaxing classical music album? What would you call it - "The Most Relaxing Classical Music from the Most Relaxing Classical Music Albums in the World... Ever!"? And wouldn't the titles of the original albums become inaccurate?

There's a lot to think about. But before your start considering the ramifications of such a collection, you should be aware that another record label has an album available in stores that could out-relax them all. I'm referring, of course, to "The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe."

Sure, the other albums may be the most relaxing in the world. But are they more relaxing than those calming albums discovered by space probes on the seventh moon of Jupiter or the tranquil compositions from the Andromeda Galaxy? That's not promised in their titles. But "The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe" can make that claim. Of course, it doesn't say "ever," so you can't be certain that a more relaxing album hasn't been created elsewhere in our universe at another time. And it also seems pretty self-indulgent that the album only contains songs written by Earthlings.

But those are such trivial matters. You still might want to pick yourself up a copy of "The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe." And while you're listening to it, you can think about how insignificant you really are in the massive scope of the universe. That should help you relax.