By Chris Cosci

Whenever a birthday is celebrated, there's a good chance that a crowd of people will sing the traditional "Happy Birthday" song -- usually out of tune. It always sounds the same. One person tries to start the song. A few other people jump in immediately, causing numerous false starts and awkward pauses. Eventually, everyone is on board and cruising through the song.

Then comes the middle, when everyone sings "Happy Birthday dear..." before inexplicably getting quieter -- perhaps to hear how everyone else is singing the birthday person's name. It usually works fine if the person's name has only two syllables, with an accent on the first syllable. "Happy Birthday dear Taylor" works great. "Happy Birthday dear Diane" is a little awkward. "Happy Birthday dear Uncle Anthony" is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Finally, the last line is sung in unison and everybody claps. Then, without fail, there will always be one person who starts singing, "How old are you now?" Some people will politely laugh while everyone else just sighs and realizes that somebody had to do it.

While this traditional song might be a little stale, it nonetheless has a certain charm. Still, that hasn't stopped nearly every restaurant on the planet from coming up with its own birthday song. Many family chain restaurants have created energetic, pep-rally-like songs that usually involve a lot of clapping and use the word "happy" at least 400 times. This ritual has gone on for years, which is rather surprising seeing how nobody seems to actually enjoy it.

The next time you witness this, take a look around the restaurant and notice how ironically unhappy it makes people. Start with the waiters and waitresses singing the song. Chances are, most of them will be doing their best to smile widely and clap loudly, even though this is probably the ninety-eighth time this week they're all singing that infernal song. However, if you look carefully, you will almost always spot one waitperson in the background who looks bored to tears; if you're really lucky, you might actually spot real tears. You can just sense how much that person would rather be anywhere else in the world at that moment.

Next, look at the people sitting at the birthday table. The birthday person's face will usually reveal a subtle combination of mild embarrassment and sheer wrath. Meanwhile, this person's friends will be laughing at the situation, completely oblivious to the fact that their mutual friend is secretly planning a way to kill each and every one of them.

Some people will argue that the singing is usually for kids. Of course, this argument falls apart when you realize how often kids are actually frightened by the experience. They're happily enjoying their meal when suddenly they're surrounded by a bunch of strangers singing some bizarre song -- thus planting the seed for years of therapy.

Finally, take a glance around the rest of the restaurant. Some people will surely be amused at the spectacle. However, there will be a couple of people who suddenly realize they have to wait a little longer for their waiter to bring them a clean fork because he's too busy singing -- or at least standing there with the rest of the waitstaff, eager to flee when the song is over. Meanwhile, at other tables, you are sure to find people who are waving their steak knives at their friends and making threats; "if you have those people come to this table and start singing to me, this will be the last meal you ever eat."

As a rule, it's probably a good idea to leave the birthday songs for celebrations at home. And if you choose to violate this rule and wind up being brought to the hospital with a steak knife wound, don't say I didn't warn you.