By Chris Cosci

For some reason, soccer is not as popular in the U.S. as it is in, say, every other country on the planet. So while the rest of the world unites and celebrates soccer, the U.S. sits at home like an ostracized child, forced to make up its own games that nobody else in the world really cares about.

Maybe this is because we're ridiculed for calling the sport "soccer," unlike, say, every other country on the planet. The rest of the world calls the sport "football," because you use your feet and it's played with a ball - imagine that. We use the name football for a game where you primarily use your hands and some oddly shaped object that isn't really a ball, but is called that only because there's no other word for it. Logic? Hah! We laugh in the face of logic.

But in a wonderful display of irony, the country that most often mocks us for using the name "soccer" is the one that came up with the name in the first place. You see, when the official rules were defined by the British Football Association, the sport was called "association football." Somehow, the British decided that the abbreviation for this was "socca," which makes about as much sense as us calling our sport "football." "Socca" eventually became "soccer," which the British probably stopped using after hearing it spoken in our ugly American accent.

Still, such a trivial point shouldn't be the cause of our nation's general indifference. Perhaps the sport needs something new that will really grab our attention. For ideas, we should turn to Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA, football's international association.

In a recent issue of a Swiss newspaper, Mr. Blatter made some suggestions on how female players can attract more sponsors. He said they should wear "more feminine uniforms." Specifically, he suggested "tighter shorts, for example." After all, as Blatter explained, "pretty women are playing football today." I guess if ugly women played the game, he would suggest they wear sweatpants, turtlenecks, and paper bags.

Blatter's comments have many people up in arms - arms that are tastefully covered in long sleeves. Included in the anti-Blatter campaign is U.S. player Brandi Chastain, who made headlines a few years ago for removing her shirt in celebration of her team's victory at the Women's World Cup. Chastain attacks Blatter, saying "anyone who thinks that a uniform will draw people to the game is severely off base." Exactly. It's removing a uniform that will get a lot more attention.

In her defense, the black sports bra Chastain was wearing during her infamous moment was hardly revealing, especially when you consider that national television proudly airs the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Also sounding off against Blatter was England goalkeeper Pauline Cope. Cope called Blatter's advice "typical of a bloke." For the record, "bloke" is another word that only sounds proper in an English accent. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, if you're American, don't ever try to use that word in conversation.

Cope went on to declare, "to say we should play football in hot pants is ridiculous." Amidst the uproar, FIFA wasn't going to let its president be ruthlessly attacked without backup. So FIFA spokesman Andreas Herren came to the rescue. He issued a statement claiming that Blatter never mentioned the term "hot pants." Wow, I bet Cope is feeling really foolish now.

Who knows? Maybe women's soccer could use a face lift (or some other form of cosmetic surgery, which I will not mention here for fear of being called a bloke). After all, look at what Anna Kournikova did for women's tennis. Sure, she wasn't that good. And yes, the focus was more on her than the game itself. But are we really that closed-minded that we're willing to sacrifice money, fame, and sponsorship for dignity, respect, and the integrity of the sport?

Whether female athletes decide to ditch their frumpy sportswear for halter tops and mini-skirts remains to be seen - although the general consensus seems to be a resounding "no." And as for Blatter, he can take comfort knowing that things could have been a lot worse; he could have suggested calling the sport "soccer."