By Chris Cosci

Recently, during a normal afternoon in Naples, Florida, some patrons at the local Red Lobster watched in amazement as a man took a live lobster out of the restaurant's tank, placed it under his shirt, and walked out of the restaurant. Unfortunately for this man, a few witnesses were in the right frame of mind and took notice of his license plate number before he drove off.

After tracing the plates, a police officer left messages at the home and on the cell phone of 32-year-old Jonathon Granger. A few hours later, Granger's wife, 36-year-old Hillary Boyd, called the officer back. When asked for her whereabouts that afternoon, Boyd admitted to dining at Red Lobster with her husband, but claimed ignorance about the lifted lobster.

Unconvinced by her story, the officer asked to speak with Granger. According to the reports, he admitted taking the lobster, claiming that he was "buzzed from drinking and that it was a stupid mistake." It takes a big man to admit his mistakes - the kind of man who, buzzed or not, would willingly stuff a live lobster under his shirt.

What's more is that there apparently were no plans to sell this lobster in some sort of underground lobster market, nor was this part of any "Free the Lobster" liberation movement. It was just supposed to be your everyday, alcohol-induced prank.

The officer explained that if the couple would pay for the lobster and sign a warning, no charges would be pressed. So Granger and Boyd drove back to the scene of the kidnapping, and Boyd walked in with the lobster in her hands. I'm sure the lobster was happy not to make any more under-garment journeys. The deal was simple: sign a trespass form, and no arrest would be made. Boyd figured she would take the fall for her husband, sign the form and be on her merry way. But then the officer explained that there was one more term to the deal - a condition that shook Boyd to the very core of her existence: the couple would be banned from Red Lobster.

The thought of never being able to eat at Red Lobster again apparently sent Boyd over the edge. What should have been a routine deal turned ugly as Boyd started yelling at the officer and disrupting customers with her profanity-laced arguments. After a few exchanges, Boyd got physical. She grabbed the restaurant manager and shoved the officer in the shoulder. A fight broke out, and the officer had to hold her to the ground to get her under control.

Meanwhile, Granger was waiting outside, expecting that his wife had everything under control inside. Another officer eventually approached Granger outside to explain the deal, and to tell him that he also had to sign a trespass form. Not one to let his wife have all the fun (after all, all he had done so far was stuff a lobster up his shirt), Granger refused to sign the form and proceeded to fight with the officer.

While Granger started his own "Rumble at the Lobster," Boyd decided she had more important things to do. So after confessing to the lobster theft and fighting with the police, Boyd did what anybody else in her case would do: she started to run away. And she would have gotten away, too, if the police officer fighting Granger was the last remaining police officer in the world.

Unfortunately for her, there was another officer to run her down, and both Boyd and Granger were arrested and brought to jail. Granger was simply charged with retail theft and resisting arrest with violence. Boyd, on the other hand, decided to pile on extra charges by pushing yet another officer when she got to jail. She was charged with obtaining food with intent to defraud (you have to love the legal system), resisting arrest with violence, disorderly conduct, battery, and battery on a law enforcement officer.

As for the lobster, its fate was not mentioned in any of the reports. However, if all went well, the lobster was returned to the people at Red Lobster, who welcomed it back as they would a long-lost member of their family - the kind of family member you'd keep locked away in a confined room until somebody at table four orders the bisque.