By Chris Cosci

In 2004, it will be election time again here in the United States. One candidate is making a strong bid to become President in 2004. His name is Matt Hooker. He has strong beliefs, dedication to his goals, and a positive outlook on the future. There's just one small problem (besides his unfortunate last name): he also has a restraining order against him from Nicole Kidman.

About a year ago, Hooker was trying to get a date with Kidman, who was just in the middle of a divorce with Tom Cruise (in case you didn't hear about that). He admits being attracted to her and claims that he wrote her a love poem and a letter, and stopped by her home to ask her out. That's all. However, when Kidman provided proof of Hooker posting multiple messages on her web site and making calls to her PR manager and her agent, a judge granted a restraining order against Hooker, and Hooker was subsequently referred to as a "stalker." Hooker was concerned that being accused of stalking would smear his good name and hinder his run for the presidency in 2004.

Looking at Hooker's platform, it's easy to see why he's so committed to his goals. In his platform, he calls for "a reform and reduction of all government," as well as "a reduction and simplification of the legal system and all laws including the tax code." Sounds good. He also calls for "elimination of all corruption, fraud, abuse, and waste." There's nothing like setting specific and realistic goals. But, that's not all.

He wants a "clean up of the environment," "elimination of crime and violence," "elimination of population growth," "preservation of other species and nature," and (this is my personal favorite) "a return to common sense, integrity and honesty in government and politics." While he's at it, perhaps he can work on the weather so that it's always sunny and warm except for once a month when it rains Hershey's Kisses.

It may sound like a lot of work turning the U.S. into a fantasy world that makes Disneyland look like Bosnia. However, Hooker believes this to be his destiny. He claims that, since he was a child, he realized that his fate held three great promises for him. One promise is that of great wealth and another promise is that he will become President. The most important promise, though, is that he is "destined for a Great Love with one woman - a love to outshine and outlast all other loves, a Grand, Love Supreme." Apparently, fate stopped just short of actually saying "a love with Nicole Kidman."

Now, Hooker is mad that his stalker reputation will get in the way of his destiny and prevent the promises of a Great Love and his presidency. So, he has filed a $200 million defamation suit against Kidman and over 80 media moguls and reporters from media outlets. In the path of Hooker's tornado of destruction are the Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, Miramax, 20th Century Fox, and (just try to explain this one to me) Bill Gates and Microsoft. Oh, did I mention the part of his platform where he calls for "a return of the legal system to the people by removing the need for and occupation of lawyers"? Perhaps that part of his agenda will be moved further down on his list of priorities.

He claims that he was wrongly accused and that the proceedings damaged his personal and professional reputation. On his Web site, he frequently refers to the "erronious" charges against him. Apparently, Hooker is up on his political reading, getting his spelling of "erroneous" from the Dan Quayle Book of Spelling.

He is also demanding all (not a percentage, but all) the gross receipts from Kidman's Moulin Rouge and The Others. He claims that Kidman and her associates used him to "help revive her sagging career" by timing these attacks on him to gain maximum publicity for these films.

In case you still aren't convinced that Hooker is the right man to be our next leader, there are still his policies on government revealing the truth about U.F.O.s and extra-terrestrials, who he claims have developed non-polluting energy sources and technologies that we could use here on Earth. In case you were wondering why he sounds like he's from another planet, this could provide an explanation. The truth is out there, indeed.