By Chris Cosci

Debates over theories can elicit strong emotions from people, especially those theories that involve monkeys and typewriters. One such theory states that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, they would eventually produce the entire works of William Shakespeare. This theory doesn't explain why anybody would want a copy of Shakespeare written by a monkey, but it still stirs up many heated discussions.

The first problem with contemplating this theory is deciding whether it's a question of statistics and random generation, or if it's meant as a response to Darwin's theory of evolution. If we look at it from a pure mathematics standpoint, the concept of infinity suggests it is 100% certain that Shakespeare's works would eventually be reproduced. Of course, it also suggests that every possible combination of letters would be produced, including a nearly identical version of Shakespeare's works that contains the tragic love story of Romea and Julian.

From the evolutionary angle, the question is whether any one of those monkeys would eventually evolve into a being capable of producing sonnets and iambic pentameters. These are certainly mind-shattering thoughts.

While the debates could continue forever, a group of researchers at the Plymouth University in England finally decided to run a preliminary test on the theory. They recently installed a computer in the monkey area at the Paignton Zoo in England. The area contains six Sulawesi crested monkeys, apparently chosen for their reputation as the English playwrights of the primate family.

The first contact with the computer was made by the lead male who, according to the researchers, "got a stone and started bashing [the computer]." It's unknown whether the monkey was just acting out of instinct or was angered by all of the Internet pop-up windows.

Eventually, the bashing stopped and the monkeys started using the computer as a high-tech lavatory. Thankfully, the researchers had placed a specially designed plastic frame around the keyboard so that when the monkeys were finished doing their business, the keyboard would remain virtually unaffected.

After releasing their aggression and relieving themselves on the computer, the monkeys were finally ready to get down to business. In one month, they wound up producing five pages of original text. However, instead of The Merchant of Venice, the majority of the pages were filled up with the letter "s" repeated over and over and over. The researchers saw five pages of gibberish. The pythons, on the other hand, were offended by the harsh and explicit language.

Overall, this project failed to shed any light on the monkeys with typewriters theory. The researchers claim that the project was never intended to be a true scientific experiment, but more of a performance piece to see what would be produced. Whatever the case, the project seemed doomed to fail. The reports never claim that the monkeys were ever shown how to use the keyboard, and the monkeys were probably under a lot of pressure to come up with something in just one month. Also, there was the minor setback that monkeys don't know English.

In the end, the idea of monkeys typing Shakespeare is still just a wild theory. All we can do is hope that other researchers get more money and are able to try again using more monkeys and more computers. Until then, maybe another group of researchers can start a project to find out if a tree falling in the woods makes a sound when nobody is there to hear it.