By Chris Cosci

For some people, size does matter. Some of the ultimate symbols of status include having the largest home or the largest car. This rainy spring has brought to the surface another weapon in that battle for supremacy - the umbrella.

Most people are satisfied with an ordinary umbrella. There's the traditional umbrella, with the wooden handle and the curve on the end. And then there's the portable umbrella that retracts and fits inside a briefcase. Yet as most people know, these umbrellas don't really keep you dry. They just keep your head and shoulders dry while your pants and feet get soaked.

But truly important people can't just walk around getting their pants and feet wet, and staying inside is not an option - that would be giving in to Mother Nature. Because full-body plastic suits are inexplicably not in style, there needs to be another solution to the umbrella problem. After all, what demonstrates our power more than our ability to stay dry when it's raining outside?

This thinking has led to the trend of mega-umbrellas. To keep dry, people will walk around with umbrellas traditionally used to cover patio tables. It's not uncommon to see one person walking underneath an umbrella that could easily cover a family of four. Of course, even the larger sizes can't stop the wind from pushing rain underneath and onto your legs. But at least you can still brag about how big your umbrella is.

These umbrellas also create difficulty for other pedestrians. Walking on a sidewalk in the rain has become a tricky game of "duck and weave." All of these jumbo umbrellas take up most of the width of the sidewalk, causing people to steer to the side, inching up a building wall or stepping off the curb into oncoming traffic. And once again, the power-hungry people with their big umbrellas triumph over the unfortunate souls with their umbrella envy.

But there are some people with smaller umbrellas who have tried to come up with their own way of proving themselves. These are the people who walk around with open umbrellas even when it's not actually raining. It's as if they're saying, "I'm so powerful that I'm protected from even the threat of rain."

Meanwhile, other people are walking around them completely uncovered, weaving out of the way so that they don't get stabbed in the eye by the points of their umbrella. But these people are prepared. Nothing can harm them. I often wonder if they have watched The Wizard of Oz too often and are afraid that even a single drop may burn their skin and melt them into a steaming pile on the sidewalk.

But these people are no match for those with the giant umbrellas. Because when the rain finally comes, they will have to duck out of the way of the behemoths around them. And eventually they'll realize that, despite their preparation, their pants and feet are still going to be soaked.

So if you want to prove your dominance to the world, don't waste your money on elaborate mansions and fancy sports cars. Just buy yourself a really big umbrella and walk down the street by yourself. And when you get to your destination drier than everybody else, you'll know you've made it to the top.