By Chris Cosci

In our lives, there often comes a time when we have to stand up for ourselves and say, "this is me - accept me for who I am." For Robert M. Peters, Sr., a 47-year-old locksmith from Pennsylvania, his time had come. Being tried in court for indecent exposure, Peters decided to put his manhood on trial - literally.

The victim, a 47-year-old woman, called Peters to change her locks. Her husband had just left her, and she was feeling unsafe with the old locks on the door. So Peters came in and installed a new deadbolt.

After the lock was installed, things turned awkward when the victim sat down with Peters to have a cup of tea. Can you believe it? Who sits down and has a cup of tea with their locksmith? I mean, come on! This isn't England, folks.

But it was during this delightful afternoon social that things took an even more awkward turn. According to the victim's report, she glanced down at one point and noticed a usually private part of Peters inching its way out of his shorts - about three inches to be exact. Who knew drinking tea could be so arousing?

Peters was stunned by the accusation. He checked himself and was certain that no part of his body was sticking out where it shouldn't be. Peters knew that being found guilty of this crime and possibly spending time in jail would be embarrassing and could damage his reputation. So, he got a defense lawyer and came up with an infallible defense: his "unit" couldn't possibly come out from under his shorts because it's not that long. Perfect. That should take care of any potential humiliation.

So Peters went to a physician, who proceeded to take measurements. In his peak condition, Peters came in at four inches. This was well under the estimated length required to fit the victim's testimony. If her statement was accurate, Peters would have had to fill out to a whopping nine inches.

That leaves the question of what the victim actually saw. The physician reported that, with Peters weighing in at 312 pounds, the victim probably saw a fold in the skin on Peters' thigh. So in addition to testifying that he was small, Peters would also testify that he has rather large thighs. Obviously, this trial is not what one would call a confidence builder.

But, the defense attorney knew that the physician's testimony wouldn't be enough to sell this case to the jury. Taking a cue from recent, award-winning material, he decided to give them the old razzle-dazzle. At the trial, he had the jury examine photos of Peters' unclothed pelvic region. Then, for the main event, Peters dropped his pants to let the jury view him, albeit it while wearing a pair of white briefs.

After seeing nude photos and watching a man drop his pants in court, the jury was released to decide a verdict. They came back with a verdict after only one hour of deliberation. Actually, I think it was only fifteen minutes of deliberation, preceded by forty-five minutes of recovering from the shock of the testimony.

Whatever the case, Peters was acquitted. The defense worked. It took a lot of courage, but everything worked out in the end. Once again, justice prevailed in the courthouse of our incomparable judicial system. Hey, they don't call it the penal system for nothing.