By Chris Cosci

As teenagers, we are taught to prepare ourselves for a little speech from our parents, something to do with birds and bees. We weren't sure about the exact content of the speech, but we pretty much knew the basic idea.

I was always curious about the actual story. I knew the subject, but I wanted to know what it had to do with birds and bees. I thought that maybe the birds and bees story was some sort of allegory - a kind of Aesop's fable for growing teenagers.

And then came the shocking truth: there is no story. No parable. No tale. Nothing. "The Birds and the Bees" is just an enigmatic title that is used to cover up the true nature of the speech. It's like one of those nonsensical code phrases they use in bad spy movies: "We need to talk about the birds and the bees - and the lone wolf howls at midnight."

It's a very misleading title. It's like watching a video and seeing "Bambi" written on the screen, surrounded by cute pictures of a small deer and a rabbit. Then, after the title fades away, a woman appears on the screen inviting the pizza delivery guy into her bedroom.

By now, this top-secret code name has become so recognizable, teenagers shudder in anticipation at the mere mention of it. Of course, if someone is inexplicably unfamiliar with this popular title, that person could be seriously confused by the limited content of the "birds and bees" portion of the speech.

"Well, son, here's the story: the birds do it. The bees do it. And so do we."

"Wow, you mean we can fly?!"

At this point, the conversation turns awkward as the parent tries to work around the topic a little more. Somewhere during the speech, the parent will say something about "when two people really love and respect each other…" This is the part of the conversation that makes the "bees" part a little unsuitable. In a colony, the queen bee does what she does with about 12 to 15 of the drone bees around her - all in one day. While she probably deserves a lot of respect for her stamina, I'm pretty sure this is not the type of respect our parents were talking about.

Perhaps it is time to come up with a new title to the speech. After all, birds and bees are not the only animals to share this habit with us. We could just as easily refer to it as "the monkeys and the weasels." Whatever we call it, we could at least come up with a good story. It's kind of a letdown to anticipate a rollicking tale about the bawdry behavior of birds and bees, only to have no follow-through.

What makes the comparison even more obscure is that most people probably don't even know how birds or bees do what they do. Even if they wanted to make up some kind of story, they would have nowhere to begin. "When a girl bee and a boy bee get together, they, uh… hmm, I'm not sure. Do they use their stingers? Are the wings involved? Maybe… I don't know. Hey, let's go out for some ice cream."

I can't be certain, but the experience for birds and bees is probably very different than it is for us. For one, they probably don't have the same level of insecurity. I'm sure birds aren't cuddling up with their mate in the nest saying to themselves, "gee, this is my first time - I hope she thinks I'm good."

I realize that I have not directly mentioned the topic of this speech, either. I am simply assuming that anyone who reads this is familiar with the birds and the bees. If you're not, I recommend calling your parents and asking them to finally have that talk with you. You can thank me later.