By Chris Cosci

It's summer, and that means people across the country are firing up their barbecues and throwing on hot dogs and hamburgers. When the food is done, many people reach for the ketchup. But did you know that your choice in ketchup could be used to determine which political party you support in the upcoming presidential election?

Well, this is true if you believe the claim by the makers of W Ketchup, a new brand of ketchup being marketed as "America's Ketchup." It is supposed to be an alternative to Heinz Ketchup, the best-selling brand in the Unites States. According to the W Ketchup Web site, "Choose Heinz and you're supporting Teresa Heinz and her liberal causes, such as Kerry for President."

That's right. So every time you use Heinz Ketchup, you are secretly telling everybody that you're a Democrat. For more than a hundred years, those liberals have been setting the stage for this incredible coup. Some of you less savvy people may think you have been simply applying a condiment to your meal. In reality, your taste for the 57 savory flavors of Heinz has solidified your allegiance to the Democratic Party.

But now you have a choice. With the introduction of W Ketchup, true Republicans can break free from the tyranny and once again enjoy the taste of ketchup without regret. And those Republicans can rejoice in W Ketchup's slogan: "You don't support Democrats. Why should your ketchup?" Honestly, I never knew my ketchup cared so much about politics. I wonder if my mayonnaise has any feelings on this.

Meanwhile, the Heinz Web site vehemently denies any affiliation with the Kerry campaign and the election in general. In an official statement, Heinz vice president Debbie Foster claims, "Heinz Ketchup is a non-partisan condiment that simply stands for great taste. It's enjoyed by Republicans, Democrats and Independents." Furthermore, the site points out that neither Teresa Heinz, John Kerry nor any member of their family is involved in the management of the Heinz Ketchup business.

This is a big blow for Democrats, considering how omnipresent Republicans are in product names. You have Hoover vacuums, Ford automobiles, and the comic strip Garfield. The Democrats have nothing. There's no Van Buren cough syrup. Nobody sleeps on a Buchanan mattress. And we have never been introduced to Truman breath mints. The Heinz connection was a big opportunity to cash in.

Sure, the similarity between the names of Republican presidents and the popular products is purely coincidental. And to be fair, W Ketchup is not technically meant to be for Republicans only. W Ketchup is simply pro-American, allowing people to make up their own mind. Of course, the site does emphasize the statement, "You don't support Democrats." They do seem to present Kerry's liberal standpoint as a negative aspect, and they also have a whole column dedicated to late Republican president Ronald Reagan.

Then there's that cryptic name, W Ketchup. The makers insist in their official position that the W stands for Washington. And by Washington, they're presumably referring to the city and not our first president. After all, George Washington was a Federalist, and it may be a little late to jump on the Federalist bandwagon, seeing that we haven't had a Federalist candidate in almost two hundred years.

But there are some people who would argue that W Ketchup is a subliminal name meant to reference one particular presidential candidate in our upcoming election. If you really want to dig deeper into the meaning, you could also argue that the W stands for the X-Men character "Wolverine," making the ketchup a symbol of support for the peaceful cohabitation of our planet between humans and mutants.

But if we did that, we might be missing the bigger picture: it's only ketchup! Seriously, does everything have to be political? I think we can all get along just fine if we keep the politics out of our meals and simply enjoy the ketchup for what it is. And if you still can't do that, you might want to consider using mustard instead.