By Chris Cosci

Mathematicians can produce a formula for anything: the velocity of a tennis serve, a person's estimated lifespan, or the odds of a doughnut squirting jelly directly onto your new white shirt. If you give them enough time, they can even create a formula by just making stuff up.

Recently, a team of mathematicians at King's College in London were asked to devise a formula for making an effective scary movie. They spent two weeks performing extensive research, which basically involved the arduous task of sitting around watching horror movies such as "The Exorcist" and "Silence of the Lambs." Presumably, these two weeks were followed by another two weeks of intense psychotherapy.

After gathering the necessary information, the team assembled in an abandoned castle located on a small, isolated island where they were trapped by stormy weather. They had to use their research to protect themselves from a homicidal maniac, who was picking them off one by one.

Okay, that didn't really happen. But they did come up with a formula: (es+u+cs+t)^2 + s + (tl+f)/2 + (a+dr+fs)/n + sin x - 1. I know what you're thinking: that story about their being killed off on a deserted island is much more interesting.

Here is the basic rundown: The primary element is suspense, produced by a mixture of escalating music (es), the unknown (u), chase scenes (cs) and the sense of being trapped (t). The sum of these elements is squared, and then you add shock (s). A movie that is too realistic can be disturbing, while a movie that is too unrealistic loses effectiveness. So true life (tl) and fantasy (f) are combined and divided by two to provide a balance.

Next, you take the number of characters who are alone (a), in the dark (dr) and in a scary film setting (fs), and divide that by the total number of characters (n). Things can get tricky with gore. A little bit of gore is good. But step over the line, and you lose potency. So they use a sine curve (sin x) to represent gore. Finally, you subtract one point for stereotypes.

And what does all this tell us? For one thing, these researchers really need to get a life. But for avid film fans, this formula assigns a numeric value to our pleasure. It also provides budding directors with a blueprint for creating a good scary film. Yes, the formula fails to include such measly details as script, plot and character development. But who cares about any of that when you have someone in a hockey mask with a machete?

In case you were wondering, this is not the first abstract concept that has been reduced to a mathematical formula. Not too long ago, another group of researchers produced a formula to calculate a person's happiness. And if you think the formula for a scary movie is intricate, you can only imagine what the formula would be for something as complex as a human emotion.

Actually, the happiness formula is P + (5xE) + (4xH). Yup - that's it. While a scary movie is comprised of a dozen different variables, our happiness has been boiled down to a mere three: P (personal characteristics, including outlook on life), E (existence, which concerns health and financial stability) and H (higher order, combining self-esteem, ambitions and sense of humor). Of course, the formula is obviously flawed by the exclusion of the variable C (chocolate).

The problem is that these formulas look like anybody could have come up with them. Just pick a topic, make up a few variables and throw them all together. A formula for safe driving? Raise your score by obeying the speed limit and paying attention to the road, and lower your score by eating breakfast or changing your outfit while driving. How about one for being funny? Add points for peppering your conversation with random funny animal names like monkey or ferret. Subtract points every time somebody says, "hey, did you get a haircut?" and you respond, "nope - I got them all cut."

What I could use right now is a formula for effectively ending this article. It would involve intelligence (i), interest (uh... let's say n), and intrigue (oh, forget it). If only those researchers hadn't wasted all that time on scary movies, this would be the best ending ever. Instead, you have to settle for this one.