By Chris Cosci

For those of you who played the recent Monopoly game at McDonalds and thought to yourself, "I'm never going to win anything" - You were right!

Crushing the hopes and dreams of the millions of Americans who fled to their local McDonald's to win big prizes, the Feds announced that eight people were arrested in a major scam that prevented $13 million in prizes from being won by the general public in the Monopoly and other promotional games. The best part - one of the people arrested was from a town called Fair Play, SC. You just can't make this stuff up.

The ringleader of this covert operation was, ironically, a security guard for the marketing company that produces those annoying little game pieces that require surgeon-like precision to properly remove them from cups and French fry containers. The plan was this: The security guard, Jerome Jacobson, smuggled the most sought-after game pieces that would win the biggest prizes. He then passed these pieces off to a couple of his friends, who acted as recruiters. These friends would recruit a handful of people to use the stolen pieces and claim the prize. The prize would then be split among all parties involved.

McDonald's customers were furious after hearing that they never had the chance of winning what they were sure they weren't going to win in the first place. What I really think these people are mad at is that they just spent the last month giving up healthier and more appetizing meals in favor of Extra Value Meal #1.

Face it, there are probably people who have gained twenty pounds in the past month and have watched their cholesterol levels fly through the roof. People have probably purchased two, three, maybe four super-size orders of fries a day in the infinitesimal hope that they would get a prize-winning game piece. Instead, they wound up peeling off their 32nd copy of Illinois Ave.

While the FBI has been on the case since April, 2000, Secretary General John Ashcroft said that this scheme was launched in 1995. Ashcroft was quoted as saying, "those involved in this type of corruption will find out breaking the law is no game." No kidding. The offenders face charges of mail fraud that carry maximum penalties of $250,000 in fines, five years in jail, and no "get out of jail free" cards.

In an effort to subdue the angry and overweight mobs, McDonald's is getting ready to launch another promotion over Labor Day weekend. From August 30 to September 3, McDonald's is giving away 55 cash prizes totaling $10 million instantly at random locations.

Can we trust this promotion? How do we know? It's becoming harder and harder to trust anyone these days. There are dozens of e-mails still in circulation that have no basis in the truth. Movie companies are making up good reviews for their bad movies. And now, even the one-in-a-zillion chance of winning a million dollars doesn't exist.

And where will I be during the five-day promotion at McDonald's? Probably eating my French fries and drinking my Coke saying, "I really need to start eating better."