By Chris Cosci

At airports, the United States has a lot of rules and regulations about what can and cannot be imported from other countries. In particular, certain foods, plants and animals are generally forbidden for health reasons. Of course, this doesn't stop people from trying.

That's why the U.S. Customs Service has a system where they randomly choose a few lucky passengers and open up their luggage to look for illegal items. In a typical day, I'm sure checking random pieces of luggage is about as exciting as watching somebody eat a bowl of cereal. They stand around digging through piles of shirts and undergarments, looking to see if somebody tried to stuff a loaf of Italian bread into their knee-high boots.

When something illegal does turn up, it's like winning the lottery. And like the lottery, there are different levels of prizes. For example, finding a bag of fruit in someone's suitcase would be the equivalent of winning five dollars. Spotting a sack of seeds for an exotic plant is like matching five of six numbers. Coming across a hidden stash of Cuban cigars is like collecting first prize.

But Customs officials at Los Angeles Airport recently hit the nationwide, multi-million dollar jackpot of discoveries. Nothing could prepare them for what happened when environmentalist Robert Cusack came home from Thailand a few months ago. Cusack was going through a routine inspection when an official opened his luggage. And then the fun began.

When the officials opened the luggage, people at the airport were treated to a rare display of nature. A bird of paradise flew out and soared through the terminal. Birds of paradise are known for their very colorful plumage and their tendency to possess relatively loud voices. I'm not entirely sure, but I'd be willing to bet that the Customs officials were not prepared for that bird to come flapping out of the suitcase.

After releasing an exotic bird into a foreign land of Starbucks and duty-free shops, officials proceeded to look further into Cusack's bag. They found three more birds tucked into nylon stockings, as well as 50 rare orchids. At this point, you'd think that Cusack wouldn't have much left up his sleeves - literally. Nonetheless, before he was arrested for smuggling, he was asked if there was anything else that should be known.

His response could go down in history as the funniest line ever spoken by anybody, intentional or otherwise:

"Yes, I've got monkeys in my pants."

Even out of context, there is something inherently comical about the phrase "I've got monkeys in my pants." But the surrealistic nature of the situation somehow makes it even better.

Cusack claimed that he was taking these plants and animals to a wildlife sanctuary in Costa Rica. Despite his supposed intentions, as benevolent as they may have been, he was sentenced to 57 days in jail for illegal smuggling. As far as I can tell, this means that he was not charged with animal cruelty for stuffing monkeys in his pants.

Still, this situation raises a couple of questions. How laid back is a routine Customs inspection that they had to question this man to find out he had monkeys in his pants? And where exactly does one hide two monkeys in his pants? I'm not sure we'll ever know the answers to these questions. Then again, who knew that we would ever need to ask them?